This has to be said. I know it’s easy to start comparing your sex life to others. Especially when it’s not what you want it to be. But you can’t compare it to mine. It’s not fair to your marriage to compare your sexually intimate life if you’re not comparing your emotionally intimate life. My husband isn’t a lucky man.
Jordan and I are in a securely attached relationship. When we need each other, we show up. We don’t argue, blame, guilt, or invalidate. We listen to understand each other. We don’t interrupt each other. We focus on feelings not the details of what happened. We do not say hurtful comments to each other. We know what comments the other makes when we’re feeling insecure and asking for an emotional need to be met. We talk about what prevents us from feeling safe enough to be vulnerable. We both feel we are soulmates. There is no threat of being with anyone else. The level of emotional connection and intelligence we have is rare because it takes time and work.
I don’t mean this to brag. I want to share this because it’s that connection that allows us to have the intimacy many others desire. We can share fantasies and try new things without judgement. We know the other is open to listening, understanding, and exploring. We seek ways to grow together. Sex can be fun or bonding or a stress/physical release or passionate or tender or wild or erotic. It can last a while or just be quick. It can be many of those at the same time. Sex is many things for us but it is rarely negative.
If that is the sex life you want, you have to put in the work. We didn’t get lucky. We got education. We got connected. We are emotionally assessable, responsive, and engaged with each other. You can be too, but you both have to put in the work. You both have to show up for each other.
Swipe to see the must have books if you are ready to work on this kind of emotional connection. Created for Connection is a similar version to Hold Me Tight, it’s just addressed to Christian couples. So you don’t need both.